Local 40-Year-Old Unlikely To Ever Do Coke At This Stage

FATHER-of-three John Keeling has admitted to WWN that his days of experimentation with drugs are ‘well and truly over’, leaving him with several narcotic substances that will forever remain un-checked off his ‘drug bucket list’.

Keeling, 40, tried a joint one time when he was 17 and ‘quite enjoyed it’, before being told by every adult in his life that drugs were bad and one more puff would guarantee that he would spend the remainder of his short life hopelessly addicted to heroin, fellating tramps for coppers to feed his habit before dying unloved and unmourned on a cold Christmas morning in a city far from home.

Although he heard great reports about hallucinogenic substances, pills and other illicit substances, Keeling made sure to spend his life sticking to harmless vices such as binge drinking and more binge drinking.

“Yeah, unlikely to ever do coke at this stage,” sighed Keeling, swilling another half one.

“Which seems a shame. I had a lot of pals who would do drugs recreationally, but I remember a guard coming round to school when I was 13 telling us that drugs were for mugs, and how only evil, cruel people were stupid enough to ever, ever touch them. Try cocaine? I don’t want to end up like that girl that took ecstasy and then thought she was covered in insects nine years later, throwing herself in front of a bus, which is what I’m led to believe happens with these things”.

Keeling has also stated that he’ll pass on his dread of drugs to his kids, so that they never ‘stray off the drink’ in their lives.