WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You show someone a funny YouTube video and they don’t laugh, The pair of you just sit there until it’s over. Uncomfortable.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You break a swan’s arm. Wing? Arm? Whatever. It was you or him.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You learn what really goes into kebabs, and it doesn’t deter you in the slightest.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You mow the lawn. Weed the flowerbeds a bit. Fix a hole in the fence. Nothing of note happens.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You get killed by an arrow fired by a rich American on Safari in Waterford.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You spend far too much time arguing online about the new Jumanji trailer.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You sell €4bn worth of weapons to Saudi Arabia, because that’s a perfectly legal thing to do seemingly.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You enter yet another year of being a narky, unlikeable fucker. Hey, if it ain’t broke…

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You still feel like running to the window and pointing to the sky every time you hear a helicopter go overhead.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You, an Irish person, try food from a different country for the first time. It’s not as hilarious as those YouTube videos make it out to be.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A quick Google search confirms that yes, you do have internet access.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You’re a big fan of Dr. Who, to the point that this sentence has just made you madder than anything else you’ll read today.  

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