WWN’S Horoscopes

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share


21 March – 20 April

Good news: you finally book your first gig as a Conor McGregor impersonator. Bad news: you’re Floyd Mayweather’s new punching bag.


21 April – 21 May

You drink to forget that thing you can’t remember because you’re 10 pints in.


May 21 – June 20

You spend 40 minutes pulling a plaster off your leg when really this would have all been over in seconds if you just had the guts to rip it off in one go. You fucking wimp.


June 21 – July 22

You break several bones in your body, but telling you which ones would count as a spoiler.


July 23 – August 22

We’ve never seen someone with such a shit eating grin after getting the ride. Honestly, we haven’t. He wasn’t even that good looking.


August 23 – September 22

Just three weeks until Game of Thrones is back. Kinda sad that this is the highlight of your year so far.


September 23 – October 22

You dance like there’s no one watching, which is the exact opposite of what you should be doing when entering Waterford’s Annual Freestyle Dancing Competition. You finish last. One place behind the pigeon that just walked in front of the judges.


October 23 – November 21

You almost read a book. Decent effort, fair play.


November 22 – December 21

You have that dream again where you’re giving a presentation in work and you’re bollock naked, only this time it isn’t a dream. Good look finding a new job!


December 22 – January 19

You drop a pint glass on the kitchen floor while wearing no shoes and recreate that scene in Die Hard.


January 20 – February 18

Making faces at yourself in the mirror. What age are you at all?


February 19 – March 20

Look, stop sending us angry emails, it’s not our fault you took last week’s Horoscope to heart and invested all your money in pogs. How were we to know they’d gone out of fashion?

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.
Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share