21 March – 20 April
Good news: you finally book your first gig as a Conor McGregor impersonator. Bad news: you’re Floyd Mayweather’s new punching bag.
21 April – 21 May
You drink to forget that thing you can’t remember because you’re 10 pints in.
May 21 – June 20
You spend 40 minutes pulling a plaster off your leg when really this would have all been over in seconds if you just had the guts to rip it off in one go. You fucking wimp.
June 21 – July 22
You break several bones in your body, but telling you which ones would count as a spoiler.
July 23 – August 22
We’ve never seen someone with such a shit eating grin after getting the ride. Honestly, we haven’t. He wasn’t even that good looking.
August 23 – September 22
Just three weeks until Game of Thrones is back. Kinda sad that this is the highlight of your year so far.
September 23 – October 22
You dance like there’s no one watching, which is the exact opposite of what you should be doing when entering Waterford’s Annual Freestyle Dancing Competition. You finish last. One place behind the pigeon that just walked in front of the judges.
October 23 – November 21
You almost read a book. Decent effort, fair play.
November 22 – December 21
You have that dream again where you’re giving a presentation in work and you’re bollock naked, only this time it isn’t a dream. Good look finding a new job!
December 22 – January 19
You drop a pint glass on the kitchen floor while wearing no shoes and recreate that scene in Die Hard.
January 20 – February 18
Making faces at yourself in the mirror. What age are you at all?
February 19 – March 20
Look, stop sending us angry emails, it’s not our fault you took last week’s Horoscope to heart and invested all your money in pogs. How were we to know they’d gone out of fashion?