WWN’S Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Good news: you finally book your first gig as a Conor McGregor impersonator. Bad news: you’re Floyd Mayweather’s new punching bag.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You drink to forget that thing you can’t remember because you’re 10 pints in.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You spend 40 minutes pulling a plaster off your leg when really this would have all been over in seconds if you just had the guts to rip it off in one go. You fucking wimp.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You break several bones in your body, but telling you which ones would count as a spoiler.

leo

July 23 – August 22

We’ve never seen someone with such a shit eating grin after getting the ride. Honestly, we haven’t. He wasn’t even that good looking.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Just three weeks until Game of Thrones is back. Kinda sad that this is the highlight of your year so far.

libra

September 23 – October 22

You dance like there’s no one watching, which is the exact opposite of what you should be doing when entering Waterford’s Annual Freestyle Dancing Competition. You finish last. One place behind the pigeon that just walked in front of the judges.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You almost read a book. Decent effort, fair play.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have that dream again where you’re giving a presentation in work and you’re bollock naked, only this time it isn’t a dream. Good look finding a new job!

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You drop a pint glass on the kitchen floor while wearing no shoes and recreate that scene in Die Hard.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Making faces at yourself in the mirror. What age are you at all?

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Look, stop sending us angry emails, it’s not our fault you took last week’s Horoscope to heart and invested all your money in pogs. How were we to know they’d gone out of fashion?

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