“I’ll Shoot Fireworks Out Of My Arse Next Time”

SINGER Ed Sheeran has hit back at viewers and Glastonbury revellers who voiced their disappointment at the songwriter’s performance at the Pyramid Stage, promising to shoot ‘fireworks out of my arse next time’.

Sheeran, who has red hair and yes we needed to point that out, lambasted critics in a four hour tirade this afternoon.

“Oh, so singing and playing a guitar whilst maintaining a sampler with several complicated loop patterns was not good enough for your crusty ears, assholes, huh?” Sheeran voiced, his knuckles now white as snow, “well, why don’t you fucking turn over to  sky arts or whatever other shite that stimulates that red wine lased brain of yours”.

“Yeah, I’m just some badly dressed ginger that repeats the same musical formula time and time again, but Coldplay and U-Fucking-2 are no different; just because I don’t dance around like a fairy on crack with massive LED backing screens and expensive lighting, doesn’t mean my music is shite, okay? I’ll shoot fucking fireworks out of my arse next time if all that fancy shit means so much too you shower of judging cunts”.

Having made an understated entrance to the stage last night, the singer stood alone with his guitar for the majority of the concert, like he was just there to sing songs that he wrote himself without bothering to match them visually for the 100,000 strong crowd.

“He didn’t even take a selfie on stage,” one man complained, “he’s a disgrace really. His hair is also red! Could he not have dyed it, just for Glastonbury?”

“OMG some busker JUST snuck in and somehow made it onto the stage and he’s busking”, tweeted another reveller, “oh dear, he’s actually an act! There’s people throwing coins at him now. Awful”.

Sheeran has since thanked fans on Twitter for their support, while also telling haters to “go fuck themselves”.