Dublin Panel Arrested After Slaughtering Westmeath By 31 Points

GARDAÍ who bore witness to the Dublin football team’s slaughtering of Westmeath in Croke Park yesterday have spoken of the need to provide officers with counselling, in a bid to help them deal with the horrors they witnessed.

“They don’t prepare you for anything like this in Templemore,” explained one garda who rushed to put handcuffs on several Dublin players after the full time whistle sounded in the Leinster semi final.

Reporters at the scene detailed a horrific bloodbath which saw many of 33,700 in attendance vomit and faint as Dublin relentlessly attacked a defenceless Westmeath. In the most disturbing incident of the day, one surviving Westmeath player was found rocking back and forth muttering ‘so, so many points’ to himself over and over again.

“We’ll send a file to the DPP and then there will be a trial, but there seems little point with so many witnessess – these heartless bastards are guilty.

“Man’s inhumanity to man endures,” added the garda before breaking down in tears.

However, due to the famously lenient sentencing within the Irish judicial system, the majority of the Dublin team will have served their sentence by the time the Leinster final rolls around, and will be free to slaughter again.

There will be one absence from the final in the shape of Diarmuid Connolly, with Dublin manager Jim Gavin confirming he is still serving out 40 years of hard labour after a recent ruling from the GCCC.