How Brexit Could Cost Ireland 1 Million Jobs And Lead To Dozens Of Scaremongering Headlines

A NEW report from the Associated Media Of Ireland has confirmed that Great Britain’s exit from the EU is guaranteed to bring about the complete and total ruination of not only their own country, but also of ours, plunging us into a decade of economic stagnation, mass unemployment, and sensationalist news articles which target people’s base fears with scaremongering headlines and copy based in only the loosest of realities.

As the UK begins the lengthy process of negotiating with the EU for their list of demands of what they want in return for their voluntary exit from the union, news agencies around the globe have begun speculating wildly as to what this might mean for markets, economies, newspaper sales and ad revenue.

Based an intensive study being conducted by nobody, the media have concluded that now is the perfect time to splash as much fear and doubt onto the front pages, in shocking headlines that are sure to strike terror into the hearts of anyone who gets their news from a newspaper.

“We could be looking at a 10, maybe 16 page pull-out supplement on how we’re all fucked,” smiled one editor, instructing his writers to add ‘more uncertainty, more vagueness’ to their work.

“And we may have to keep this up for weeks, maybe months. The negotiation process is going to be tortuous for the UK, and it would be a black stain on our values if we weren’t there every step of the way, pulling dread-inducing figures out of our holes at all times”.

The media are also looking at bolstering their economic scaremongering with supplementary articles about how Islamic terrorism is certain to spike now, because that’s just a great way to get a click on a link.