EU Citizens Living In Britain For 5 Years Allowed Stay In Post-Brexit Apocalyptic Wasteland

WELCOME news for EU citizens currently residing in Britain as PM Theresa May has confirmed that anyone from the 27 member states legally living in Britain for 5 years up until the point Britain leaves the EU will be free to live in the post-Brexit apocalyptic wasteland that awaits everyone.

“EU citizens living here for 5 years will have as much right as British people do, to rummage through bins looking for food,” May explained in a media address which served as a rare testimony to her potential strength as leader after a troubling few weeks.

“EU citizens are just as free to turn to cannibalism when the electricity grid is torn down and clean, drinkable water is but a distant memory to everyone on British soil,” the Conservative leader continued.

May confirmed that the ‘UK settled status’ bestowed upon European migrants would afford them access to education, healthcare and other benefits enjoyed by British citizens.

“This is an olive branch in the negotiations with the EU, and we hope the news that these people can access soon to be abandoned and haunted NHS facilities will be of great reassurance,” May added, triumphantly, “we would advise people to prepare to adapt to a society which no longer uses money and relies on the barter system, you will have to sell your body for a loaf of bread”.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister then urged all EU citizens resident in Britain to purchase Mad Max Fury Road on DVD for helpful survival tips.