THE cat at the back door has somehow got it into his head that you owe him a free meal, despite it being owned by your next door neighbour, WWN can reveal.
Bella (5), who is currently parading himself along the patio door windows in a bid to grab your attention, was reportedly fed only twenty minutes ago by his owner, but now insists on something extra from you, because it is a cat.
“If people around here want to pet my beautiful coat then they’re going to have to do better than a bowl of lo-fat fucking milk,” Bella explains, persisting now with meows too faint to hear through the double glazing, “I’m pretty sure there’s some leftover chicken in that fridge over there, asshole. Lash it out ta fuck, your kids are fat enough as is and don’t need it”.
Now just sitting unimpressed by your lack of interest, Bella has begun to contemplate shitting in your kid’s sandbox, the one they play soldiers in during sunny days.
“A good dose of toxoplasma will sort these pricks out,” Bella purred, now working up a good scuttery one to squeeze out and cover over, “I left two dead birds here last week and not a bit of thanks for either of them. Some people around here don’t know how good they’ve got it. Let’s see how their little shits fare with blindness”.
Fortunately for your family’s welfare, you happen to fend off Bella’s preemptive strike with some dried out black pudding leftover from Sunday’s fry up.
“It will do for now, but don’t get too comfortable jerk off; I will be back the same time tomorrow,” Bella concluded, before spraying your garden steps with some home grown ammonia.