WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You watch the newest Robert De Niro movie and immediatley send him a cheque to help him out of whatever money difficulties he’s in. 

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You drink while on antibiotics and it doesn’t effect you in the ostrich. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your long-lost identical twin shows up at the door, looking like a handsome bastard. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You get the feeling Holland & Barrett are just selling the same pills in different jars. 

leo

July 23 – August 22

You would definitely have voted for Corbyn, even though you voted FG in the Irish elections. 

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You buy an engagement ring and propose to Netflix. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

You sing a song to yourself, and it sounds pretty badass. Why can’t anyone else agree with you that you’re the best unsigned singer of your generation?

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Vodka-soaked tampons, where have you been all my life?

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

“If anyone here knows of a lawful impediment why these people shouldn’t get married?” Oh boy, you’ve got a few but it’s probably best to keep it schtum. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You design SkyNet. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’ve got an owee and not one of these people will kiss it better.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Do you, bro. That’s been working out, right?

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