WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You’re not eating your five a day. In fact, you’re not eating five a week.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You get the flu. in June. Well fucking done.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Trump slams you in a tweet.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You report a suspected terrorist to the cops. Well, he’s just a Muslim lad but why take chances, right?
leo
July 23 – August 22
You get invited to a wedding, time to leave the country!
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You spend 90% of your time on Twitter wondering who the fuck these people with the blue ticks are.
libra
September 23 – October 22
What’s the point in having a dog if you don’t use him to get loads of likes on Instagram?
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
What’s your fucking problem? Take this test and find out!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You still can’t find that button on your Punto that kicks in the NOS.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You sing the Macarena in your head for the rest of the day.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You laugh at a Saturday Night Live sketch for the first time!
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You shouldn’t get that thing checked out. You SHOULD have gotten it checked out a long time ago. May as well leave it now, see how it goes!