WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You’re not eating your five a day. In fact, you’re not eating five a week.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You get the flu. in June. Well fucking done.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Trump slams you in a tweet.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You report a suspected terrorist to the cops. Well, he’s just a Muslim lad but why take chances, right?  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You get invited to a wedding, time to leave the country!  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You spend 90% of your time on Twitter wondering who the fuck these people with the blue ticks are.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

What’s the point in having a dog if you don’t use him to get loads of likes on Instagram?

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

What’s your fucking problem? Take this test and find out!  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You still can’t find that button on your Punto that kicks in the NOS.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You sing the Macarena in your head for the rest of the day.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You laugh at a Saturday Night Live sketch for the first time!

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You shouldn’t get that thing checked out. You SHOULD have gotten it checked out a long time ago. May as well leave it now, see how it goes!  

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