“Damn Stupid Hipsters,” Confirms Jealous Man Not Going To Bulmers Forbidden Fruit Festival

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A MAN who has found himself ticketless for the upcoming Bulmers Forbidden Fruit Festival, has denounced the 3-day event which features many of his favourite acts as a breeding ground for ‘damn hipsters’.

“Ah I’d say it’ll be unbearable. All those ‘I’m too cool for school’ try hards, like I’d be caught dead going to something fun like that,” confirmed Dubliner Matt Grogan while staring wistfully at a bus hoarding advert for the festival which listed off all the acts that will be playing over the course of the festival.

Grogan then rejected claims he was sobbing and instead claimed his hay fever was acting up.

“Just because I have a beard and tattoos, and I carry around a vinyl player on back instead of just listening to music on my phone like a normal person, doesn’t make me a hipster. I don’t even like class festivals that have class bands that a load of my friends will see,” the hipster explained, albeit unconvincingly.

Asked outright if he was jealous of those going Grogan continued the half-hearted charade.

“Jealous? Me? Of my friends getting to see Flying Lotus, haha haha, nice one, haha,” Grogan continued, before his laughter gave way to sounds more akin to a donkey having a panic attack.

“G’way it’s hay fever,” Grogan insisted.

If you’ve been affected by this troubling article, you too might be a jealous and ticketless person.

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