“You’re Losing It, J” Paxman Tells Mirror

SUBJECTING his reflection to a constant stream of interruptions, broadcaster Jeremy Paxman grilled himself, repeatedly pressing the face staring back at him for an answer to a series of probing and pointed questions.

“You’re losing it, J, aren’t you?” Paxman said, accusing the man standing in front of him of a below par performance during last night’s TV interviews of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and Tory Prime Minister Theresa May.

Simultaneously trying to explain himself while interjecting when unsatisfied with the answers, Paxman levelled a flurry of hypotheticals at himself in the aftermath of his failure to reduce either politician to a blubbering mess.

Paxman had pugnaciously pursued both leaders but failed in any real sense to expose an failings or policy flaws, leaving British voters more or less in the same position they were before the debates took place.

“Now, now, come off it, if you had to interview Adolf Hitler tomorrow, you wouldn’t be up to the task, would you?” Paxman said, badgering himself, “you wouldn’t even be able to get him to admit invading Poland was wrong! Would you?”

Now sweating profusely and pulling nervously at his collar, Paxman sensed he had struck a blow to his interviewee, and was keen to hammer his subject while they were scrambling not to sound weak and wobbly.

“Jeremy, just answer the question, the world won’t fall in, you’re losing your touch, aren’t you?” Paxman intoned, before seeing his reflection crumble in front of him, bursting into tears.