WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Faking your own death continues to be annoyingly difficult.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You watch American Gangster for the 1,000th time, due to it always being on ITV2.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You start to suspect that people just aren’t taking you seriously as a rapper.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You’re finally numb to the news of terrorist attacks! Yay!
leo
July 23 – August 22
You try a different Chinese take-away for a change, and rue this decision for the rest of your life.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Mistaking you for a homeless person, a stranger gives you two euro. Free money!
libra
September 23 – October 22
Your phone went from 100% battery to 7%, just by reading this.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You go straight to DVD.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You shouldn’t be reading this while driving, you prick.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
“Ok, where the fuck is this ‘GO’ square where I get 200 euro every time I pass it”, you wonder.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A night with some friends in a cabin in the woods out in the middle of nowhere? Sounds fun!
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You must be really pissed off every week, having to scroll all the way to the end to read your horoscope. Well, don’t blame us, it’s not our fault you were born when you were born.