21 March – 20 April
Faking your own death continues to be annoyingly difficult.
21 April – 21 May
You watch American Gangster for the 1,000th time, due to it always being on ITV2.
May 21 – June 20
You start to suspect that people just aren’t taking you seriously as a rapper.
June 21 – July 22
You’re finally numb to the news of terrorist attacks! Yay!
July 23 – August 22
You try a different Chinese take-away for a change, and rue this decision for the rest of your life.
August 23 – September 22
Mistaking you for a homeless person, a stranger gives you two euro. Free money!
September 23 – October 22
Your phone went from 100% battery to 7%, just by reading this.
October 23 – November 21
You go straight to DVD.
November 22 – December 21
You shouldn’t be reading this while driving, you prick.
December 22 – January 19
“Ok, where the fuck is this ‘GO’ square where I get 200 euro every time I pass it”, you wonder.
January 20 – February 18
A night with some friends in a cabin in the woods out in the middle of nowhere? Sounds fun!
February 19 – March 20
You must be really pissed off every week, having to scroll all the way to the end to read your horoscope. Well, don’t blame us, it’s not our fault you were born when you were born.