WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Faking your own death continues to be annoyingly difficult.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You watch American Gangster for the 1,000th time, due to it always being on ITV2. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You start to suspect that people just aren’t taking you seriously as a rapper.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’re finally numb to the news of terrorist attacks! Yay!

leo

July 23 – August 22

You try a different Chinese take-away for a change, and rue this decision for the rest of your life.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Mistaking you for a homeless person, a stranger gives you two euro. Free money!

libra

September 23 – October 22

Your phone went from 100% battery to 7%, just by reading this. 

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You go straight to DVD. 

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You shouldn’t be reading this while driving, you prick.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

“Ok, where the fuck is this ‘GO’ square where I get 200 euro every time I pass it”, you wonder. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A night with some friends in a cabin in the woods out in the middle of nowhere? Sounds fun!

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You must be really pissed off every week, having to scroll all the way to the end to read your horoscope. Well, don’t blame us, it’s not our fault you were born when you were born. 

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