CURRENT First Lady Melania Trump has confirmed that she has been holding in ‘a whopper’ of a gaseous bowel movement for nearly a year, which has been brewing since midway through her husband Donald’s successful campaign to become the 45th President of the United States.
“This one’s going to be fucking massive,” grunted Melania, barely able to talk due to the effort of clenching her bum hole shut while sitting for another State dinner with some visiting world leader.
The 47-year-old immigrant went on to explain that she began ‘holding it in’ during the gruelling campaign process, in a bid to not embarrass her husband and spoil his chances at the presidency.
To her horror, Donald swept to victory in November’s election and became the US President, leaving Melania with no other option but to keep her farts inside until she managed to get a minute to herself; something that has still not happened.
“People say Donald is ignorant because he walks ahead of me, doesn’t open doors, that kind of thing,” squeaked Mrs. Trump, well aware that if she let rip right now she might kill several secret service members assigned to protect her while she lives in Trump Tower.
“Truth is, I can barely walk thanks to this fart-baby I’m carrying. And with cameras everywhere, there’s no way I could let fly without causing Donald severe humiliation… he’s been doing so well lately, I’d hate for anyone’s opinion of him to be tarnished”.
Melania went on to clarify that Donald is well aware of the brewing situation, and has warned her that whatever happens, ‘don’t fart in front of the Russians’.