21 March – 20 April
You don’t care that it’s the middle of May, you’re going to watch Elf.
21 April – 21 May
You get hit by a smooth criminal.
May 21 – June 20
You don’t know why ‘fuck, marry, kill’ have to be separate.
June 21 – July 22
You get three stars on a Winning Streak, but you don’t send it in.
July 23 – August 22
Your gang still consists of just you and one other weird lad.
August 23 – September 22
Your favourite TV show is people falling down on YouTube.
September 23 – October 22
You sue your parents for raising you to be such a fucking idiot.
October 23 – November 21
You have a go at a fidget spinner, and blind yourself.
November 22 – December 21
You dislocate your shoulder throwing shade.
December 22 – January 19
You use your Nutribullet to make a delicious rasher-mayonaisse paste. Great on sambos!
January 20 – February 18
Ha, nice suit! What, were you at a funeral or something? Oh, you were? Your mum? Yikes. Sorry.
February 19 – March 20
You’ve been afraid of Nazis ever since reading about Nazis as a child.