Lazar Matveyev Named New FBI Chief

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FORMER KGB boss Lazar Matveyev has been named as the FBI’s new chief today following the dramatic firing of director James Comey by President Donald Trump yesterday afternoon.

Matveyev, who just turned 90 years old this week, is expected to take over from Comey immediately, landing in Washington DC airport this morning ahead of his appointment with comrade Trump.

“Who better to investigate whether members of president Trump’s campaign team colluded with Russia in last year’s election than a former Russian KGB boss,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer insisted earlier in a press conference, “Mr. Matveyev has come with glowing recommendations from Vla…[coughs] …his old colleagues and we are very excited that he is taking over the Federal Bureau of Investigation”.

The Trump administration attributed Comey’s dismissal to his handling of the investigation into Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton’s email server, which the administration deemed ‘unfair’ on Clinton, but Democrats ridiculed the notion, suggesting instead that Comey was getting too close to the White House with the FBI’s Russia/Trump probe.

“That’s a ridiculous claim considering what close friends Donald and Vlad… I mean Donald and Hillary are,” Sean Spicer defended, now holding up a vintage photograph of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump reluctantly shaking hands and smiling together in 1989, “you can’t expect to destroy Mr. Trump’s friend’s presidential campaign like that and get away with it, even though she was running against him”.

Lazar Matveyev is due to begin working as the new FBI director next week, but has already concluded his investigations into the Russian/Trump probe, stating that there is, and never was any suspicious dealings between the two.

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