WWN’S INVESTIGATIVE UNIT takes on the troubling issue of the seemingly unstoppable march of Colin Farrell’s eyebrows and the implications it may have for the wider world.
When tackling the issues of whether or not the eyebrows of one of Ireland’s most beloved and talented actors are growing larger and larger over time, there is only one authority whom one can hope to speak with; NASA.
Arriving at their experimental Famous People Features laboratory, WWN’s Investigative team was nervous to say the least. If we were wrong, international ridicule awaited us. If we were right, the ramifications for humankind were disastrous.
We must point out we are not calling the aesthetic beauty or erotic properties of Colin Farrell’s eyebrows into question, we have approached this with a clear and practical desire to obtain empirical evidence regarding their expansion or the Earth contracting.
“Transposing the theory that the universe is ever expanding and applying it cautiously to Mr Farrell’s eyebrows, as seen throughout his life and then career as an actor, I hesitate to say it, but the entire surface of the planet could be covered in his eyebrow hair if some drastic measures are not taken,” lead researcher at NASA Dr. Louden Von Trouten shared with WWN. Words we knew were coming, but still somehow shocked by.
However, there was a dim flicker of hope out on the horizon of scientific theory; the Shrinking Earth Theory.
The Shrinking Earth Theory posits that once the Earth’s crust cools down fully it will contract, so perhaps this is already occurring and what people are seeing is not in fact an enlarging of the Farrell brow hair but in fact the earth around his eyebrows reducing in size. WWN put this theory to Dr. Von Trouten:
“I wish I could believe that, but sadly it simply isn’t true. Studying images of Mr. Farrell shows a steady if terrifying increase in the spread of his above eye, below head hair. There is no denying it. We plead with Colin, if he’s listening, to present himself here at NASA so we can observe him and put an end to threat of Full Earth Farrell Brow,” a visibly worried Dr. Von Trouten concluded.
WWN is not in the business of spreading undue panic amongst the human population, but it is now without doubt, time to apprehend Colin Farrell, and armed with a razor, gently trim with all the finesse of a trainee at a hair salon and avert this crisis.