Irish People To Be Given Intensive Training In How To Use A Footpath

A CRACK team of walking specialists from London are to travel to Ireland later this year to conduct intensive workshops with Irish pedestrians, in a bid to teach them the correct way to walk on a footpath without being in the way all the time.

London is renowned for its swift and efficient pedestrian behaviour, with crowded areas such as tube stations and town centres moving like a well-oiled machine as slow walkers give way to faster-moving traffic, people walking in single file to and from their destinations, with everyone knowing where they’re going at any given time.

In contrast, Ireland’s footpaths more closely resemble a crowd fleeing from an active shooter, with people walking five abreast and no clear ‘lane’ of traffic apparent at any given time.

Five minute walks from point A to point B can take up to three quarters of an hour in Dublin city centre, with people tripping over each other and stopping in the middle of the footpath for no good reason, with the occasional bicycle on the footpath for good measure.

“It’ll be hard, but not impossible,” said Victor Harrington, pedestrian extraordinaire.

“We’ll get Ireland’s train stations moving like a tube station in no time. London, and indeed Great Britain in general, runs on an unspoken code of ‘staying to the left’ and ‘giving way’, and we’re sure we can implement these systems to the Irish, eradicating their ‘ah sure I’ll just stroll along looking at my phone while holding up 4,000 people who are running for a DART’ mentality”.

The 5-hour seminar will also teach valuable lessons to the Irish such as ‘walking at a steady pace until you’ve reached your destination’ and ‘getting the fuck out of the fucking way’.