PUNCHESTOWN is by far the biggest event in Ireland’s horse racing calendar, and who better to run you through today’s races than 19-year-old professional gambler, Mossey Kennedy.
This is my fucking day lads. I can feel it in me balls. Yours too if you stick with me. Fucking lost me stones yesterday and the day before, but luckily the gran left her pension in the usual spot this morning, so my first tip is to borrow a hape of money from someone, as they’ll get it all back today… definitely today.
Usually I’d use a betting app to put my money on, but my account is empty and the bank won’t give me any more on my bank draft so I had to back the horses today the old fashioned way. But it’s not all bad ’cause you pick up a few tips from the smelly auld lads in the bookies and they obviously know what they’re talking about because they’ve been in there years, and even make enough money to sit in the pub all day. Lucky bastards have it sussed, they do. Someday, kid.
I seen one lad with a real packet of fags too: obviously one of the good gamblers. Wouldn’t give me any tips though, but I did manage to catch his docket on the pass. Clever cunt put a tenner on all the second favourites – a man after me own heart.
Second tip is to stay clear of the favourites as there’s fuck all returns, unless you have wads of cash like that Chinese lad in the bookies earlier, mad cunt put a grand on a horse. I’d never do that now, unless of course you won the grand on a previous horse, then it’s alright to back that kind of money, but only then. Free money sure.
Any horse with Ruby Walsh or Townsend on it is always worth an each way gamble. I don’t look at forms or any of that shite, just see which horse has the second or third best price and stick a tenner on it. Grey horses always win too.
There’s 8 races on today, starting at twenty to four, so tip three is, get your grub in early and line that stomach for winning pints tonight. Always keep enough money for the few pints of Tuborg while you watch the races in the local. I like to pre-roll a few Drum for the walk between the pub and the bookies, cause sometimes there’s no time to just roll. Remember: it’s a big day, today. Races not over till 8 tonight. Be in the bits at that stage sure. All going to plan.
Now, the most important tip I’ll give ya, never let the other lads in the pub know who you’re backing, cause they’ll be all over ya like a leech when you come back with the few euro. Best contain yourself sitting at the bar. Give naughtin away. Stick to the three euro pints.
Last tip: always do a few practice runs on the virtual racing yoke in the bookies if there’s a big event on, like Punchestown. From there you will see how your luck is going and you can place your bet amounts accordingly. I’d usually do this most days, you know, so I don’t get rusty at betting. If you leave it a few days at all, you’re back to square one and you’ll lose your momentum.
Right, I’m off to the pub to watch this. If I see ya later this evening then you know it’s been a good day for me. Hopefully I’ll make it past Home & Away. Nothing worse than coming home drunk to that shite on telly and you after losing your bollocks on a Willie Mullins nag.