21 March – 20 April
Ah well, there’s always next week.
21 April – 21 May
The public has voted unanimously to kick you out of the country.
May 21 – June 20
You catch a glimpse of your bald spot on CCTV as you enter a shop. It’s much worse than you thought it was.
June 21 – July 22
JK Rowling takes to Twitter to say how much she hates you.
July 23 – August 22
The kid up the road just stuck his hand in a fire. You know what to do.
August 23 – September 22
Jeez, you deny the holocaust one time and people really get on your case about it.
September 23 – October 22
You could do with a spotter when you’re getting up in the mornings.
October 23 – November 21
When the interviewer asked what your weaknesses are, he wasn’t expecting you to talk for quite so long.
November 22 – December 21
You’re still getting over your 21st, and you’re nearly 40 now.
December 22 – January 19
You have an affair with your secretary, you absolute total walking cliche.
January 20 – February 18
You lose the last of your baby teeth! At last! You’re a grown man!
February 19 – March 20
In a move that surprises everyone except you, you get called up for Real Madrid’s first team.