“This Is How You Politics, Bitches!”

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BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May has called out fellow political leaders today after announcing a snap election in a bid to give her more power when it comes to dealing with Europe, insisting that “this is how you politics, bitches!”

Speaking outside number 10 Downing Street yesterday morning, the Conservative party leader said she decided to call the surprise election because she feared opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn would stand down, rather than later risk facing Labour under a new and potentially more popular leader than herself, which she admitted “wouldn’t be hard”.

“It’s a smart move, even if I do say so myself,” she told reporters, with her mouth, “Jeremy Corbyn is obviously shit. I’m obviously not as shit, but if someone even remotely better becomes Labour leader, then I’m in the shit, which would be shit so it’s best I call an election for me… I mean Britain.

“If anything, it will a bit of fun over the next couple of month which has no way of backfiring on me, whatsoever,” she added.

Echoing a survey that gave the Conservatives a 21-point lead over Labour, their greatest lead since the Conservative government of 1983, PM May vowed to continue her party’s stance of fucking over the poor, women, the disabled even more than ever before while pretending this election is all a strong negotiating position for Brexit. May gleefully finished her statement by declaring ‘austerity and cuts, cuts, cuts for everyone!’

Meanwhile, Russian hackers have stated that they have already begun preparations for the snap UK elections, but would not confirm which politician emails they will be hacking, but promised that this will be the most interesting UK election in years, as there are “a lot of skeletons in the House of Commons”.

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