NOT content with handing Our Lord over for a right kicking at the hands of the Romans, dim-witted disciple Judas Iscariot was also responsible for many more bloopers during his tenure as a follower of Jesus Christ.
Regarded by many as being the basis for the origin of the eye-roll, Judas let himself and his pals down on many occasions before ever setting foot in the Garden Of Gethsamane. Here’s a look at his top 5 gaffes…
1) Wearing runners to the nightclub
Although his later actions would constitute outright treachery, Judas was usually just a thoughtless, clumsy idiot. On many occasions, Jesus and the lads would be heading on a night out only to be turned away by the bouncers because Judas was wearing trainers. ‘But they were really expensive’, he would whine, as they all trundled off to find a bar still serving.
2) Constantly offside
Historians have lost count of how many goals scored by Jesus’s astro team that were disallowed due to Judas being ruled offside. ‘He fucking knows how the rule works’, James The Less would grumble. ‘He just won’t fucking obey it. I’m after banging in a beautiful half-volley and it doesn’t count ‘cus that other fucker is humping the goal-line. Sake, like’.
3) Peanut butter in the Nutella jar
Although Judas would go on to return the 30 pieces of silver that he received for betraying Jesus, the remaining disciples had a better idea as to what he could use the money for; buying more than one knife, so that they didn’t have to cope with him using the same one to spread peanut butter on his sandwich before dipping the fucking thing into the Nutella.
4) Wiping Jesus’s FIFA profile
In the weeks prior to his death, Jesus had clocked up a pretty decent online standing in FIFA ’33. Right up until Judas jumped in for a few quick offline games when everyone was out and saved over Jesus profile with his own, which only had a four-nil defeat to the Ivory Coast on it. Why would you save that, Judas? Why would you even save that?
5) Asking Mary Magdalene to his debs
Knowing full well, full well that Jesus liked her, what does Judas do? Asks MM to his debs. He should have been kicked out of the gang there and then, but look, you know how Jesus was. Turn the other cheek, love thy neighbour, yeah, that worked out well, didn’t it?