21 March – 20 April
All those hours spent playing Metal Gear Solid 2 have paid off, after you finally get a chance to sneak into a weapons base with a box over your head.
21 April – 21 May
You’d think you would know better than to check your bank balance on a Monday. What did you hope to see? Come on now!
May 21 – June 20
Your fortunes change for the better this week, but not to the extent that anyone would call fortunate.
June 21 – July 22
You discover the corpse of Shergar out the back yard while mowing the lawn.
July 23 – August 22
Your nickname is Easter, because you get Passion once a year.
August 23 – September 22
You pull out this one weird hair that was growing out of your shoulder, and promptly deflate.
September 23 – October 22
We’re not sure that lad in the pub was looking for an actual explanation when he asked you what the fuck your problem is.
October 23 – November 21
Club Tropicana, drinks are free. T&Cs apply, One drink per customer.
November 22 – December 21
You picked the wrong week to quit making jokes about it being the wrong week to quit something.
December 22 – January 19
I know we don’t say this often enough, but we love you.
January 20 – February 18
Your love will never go unrequited if you keep it to yourself.
February 19 – March 20
Just when we think we’ve got the Horoscopes finished, we notice that Pisces is still to be done. Every. Fucking. Week. Fuck you, Pisces.