“If He Was A Blonde Girl From Dublin 4, We Could Help” Confirm Government

THE GOVERNMENT has confirmed that the full diplomatic weight of the Irish Republic and all its resources could pressure the Egyptian government into freeing Ibrahim Halawa if only he was a decent looking young blonde woman from Dublin 4, or the surrounding south Dublin areas.

“Honestly, you wouldn’t believe how quick we’d be willing to act if Ibrahim’s name was pronounced Ciara, Shona or Roisin,” explained a source within the Department of Foreign Affairs.

“You’d be very impressed by the forceful hand we could play in this situation if it involved someone whose Facebook profile pictures made them look the perfect combination of white, female, virginal and a fine young thing,” added the source, “despite the fact he’s an Irish citizen, he’s sadly not the right kind of Irish citizen”.

Halawa has been awaiting trial for a number of years in a Cairo jail, and most recently made page 57 of a newspaper when it was revealed his health was in significant decline as he staged a hunger strike.

“The public, they’ve tried now and again, to put a bit of pressure on us, but since Ibrahim isn’t someone the media would develop an unhealthy obsession with, we don’t have to hear about him on The Late Late Show eight weeks in a row,” an unnamed minister shared with WWN, adding that he wished he could be pressured into doing more.

One minister even went as far as to appeal directly to Halawa himself, pleading with him to transition into a blonde girl with a double barrel surname in order to allow the government to do more than feign interest in his plight.