WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Sweet! You find a USB key just lying on the ground. Best take it home to your expensive PC, plug it in and see what’s on it. Free USB!

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You struggle to find an excuse for how tired you are that doesn’t involve the fact that you sat up till 5 AM watching Wrestlemania.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your Top-Five-Celebrities-I’m-Allowed-Sleep-With list now contains about 78 people.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Time to study the rules of cricket, just so you have another sport to watch instead of doing weekend chores.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Sun’s out! You get a lovely bit of colour, minutes before being burnt to a fucking crisp.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

If it’s one thing you weren’t expecting in Tesco, it was a sliding tackle.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Your eyebrows are looking pretty Scorsese these days.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’re not addicted to pornography, you just like watching it all the time and get very cranky when you don’t.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You’ve started watching a shit TV show, and God Damn it you’re going to watch to the very end, even if you’re not enjoying it whatsoever.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You really fooled people with your Facebook status on April 1st, you absolute legend. Well done you.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You really didn’t think this whole ‘drill-a-hole-in-your-forehead’ thing through, did you?

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You settle down for another week of endlessly checking the same five websites over and over again, joylessly and for no real purpose.  

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