WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Your stupid kids forgot to buy their mother something for Mother’s Day! C’mon lads, you’re nearly 2.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You spend the morning inviting 700 Facebook friends to an event. They’ll love that!  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t get a Big Mac again, get the quarter pounder instead. Live a little.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You make €1,400 gouging people for Electric Picnic tickets online. They wanted tickets, you wanted money… no need to feel bad. Everyone wins.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Calling them ‘graphic novels’ instead of comics doesn’t make you any less of a fucking nerd.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You make a decision to be the ‘sassy’ one in your group. You’re so sassy! Everyone loves you. Keep it up.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Everyone thinks you fell asleep at a party and someone drew a dick on your face, but in reality, that’s a dick you drew yourself. You just love dicks. Big fan.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s not as warm as everyone thinks it is. Be sure to remind them of this the minute you see them.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A YouTube tutorial video finally clues you in on this whole ‘one leg at a time’ method of putting on your trousers.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’re disappointed to learn that chopping off someone’s head doesn’t give you new powers like in Highlander.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re running out of excuses for not playing 5-a-side. What’s it this week? Leprosy?

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Nobody wants to talk to you about how damp the ground is.  

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