“WHAT is it you want from me?” screamed James Farrihan this morning, standing in the street outside his suburban Waterford home after receiving a chilling delivery of a fully-functional Nutribullet to his front door.
“Where did you get this? Who sent you?” he demanded of the courier who had delivered the package, shaking him roughly by the shoulders.
“Who put you up to this? What do they want? Do they want money?”
With the terrified DHL staff unable to provide answers, Farrihan took the package into his house and began to search for clues as to who wants him to drink vegetable smoothies, and why.
“Ok, so I’m carrying a bit of extra weight, does that mean fuckers can just start sending me Nutribullets in the post?’ steamed Farrihan, eating his morning bagel with jam.
“Fuckin’ cowards, they wouldn’t confront me in the street about it, they have to do things the sneaky, sly way. Well, I’m telling you now, I won’t be intimidated by this behaviour. And I won’t be drinking no kale and lemongrass smoothies either, that’s for sure”.
UPDATE: the grim plot has taken a surprise turn after Farrihan discovered a docket in the box linking the delivery to his wife Karen, who appears to have been plotting a diet for her husband for several months. More as we get it.