WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You look around for something you haven’t done in the last fortnight, so that it can become the thing you ‘gave up for lent’.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You buy a few Easter Eggs ‘for the kids’. The kids you don’t have.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You spend the whole day with ‘i luv cock’ written on your face after passing out at a house party. Thanks, assholes! I had a job interview today!  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

No need to be so CRABBY! Get it? Crab? Cancer? Ah piss off.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You spend the week telling the truth and not using multiple fake Facebook profiles to back up your lies and hatred, unlike another Leo we could mention.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You buy a new game to sit unplayed inside the PlayStation for six months.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You find that it’s quicker to wax your genitals on the train while heading to work in the morning, instead of doing it at home.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You sure do bear more than a passing resemblance to this guy that was on CrimeCall last night.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You try and convince your boss that you deserve a wage increase. This, we gotta see.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You wish you could go back to being 19 again. But like, with your car and your wages and your own house like you have now.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

That ‘salad roll’ sure does appear to have a chicken fillet in it.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You change your mind on the refugee crisis after a celebrity sends out a tweet about it. If only they’d tweeted earlier!  

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