WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You earn 23,667.56 per month working online, but you don’t feel the need to mention it.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You go an entire month without watching a single documentary on Netflix.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Congratulations on buying a Nintendo Switch! We’ve always wondered what an idiot looks like.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
“Don’t get drunk on a work night” hmmm that’s just crazy enough to work.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Your hiccups celebrate their 17th birthday.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Them new people up the way seem weird. Maybe keep an eye on them for the next 3 years to be safe.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You get shot. Luckily, it’s only a flesh wound.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You’re making a mess!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You make microwave popcorn with only 3 unpopped kernels. LEGEND.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Work: that other guy got the promotion you wanted. Looks like you SUCK. Hate to be the one that breaks it to you.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Chips, eh? You’d be in great shape if it wasn’t for the goddamn chips hi.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You already know what you’re getting everyone for Xmas 2019.