Stormont Talks Begin As Arlene Foster Finishes Every Sentence With ‘Fenian Bastards’

AS THE RESULTS of Northern Ireland’s Assembly Elections see Sinn Féin and other Nationalist parties close the gap on Unionist parties to just one seat, the hard task of reaching a compromise in order to achieve stable governance in the North begins.

WWN has learned that these negotiations are already under way as DUP leader Arlene Foster, who faces calls from within her own party to step aside, has offered a conciliatory olive branch to Sinn Féin by ending each and every one of her sentences with the phrase ‘Fenian bastards’.

“There is a real chance of a new era of non-sectarian politics, that is very much based on the pressing issues in Northern Ireland, chief among them the economy,” explained political negotiation expert Martin Arnold.

“I think the fact that Arlene is ending her sentences with ‘Fenian bastard’, rather than starting a sentence with that phrase, is a really solid sign of progress,” added the expert.

Sinn Féin, a party led by Gerry Adams, has been asked to enter any negotiations without a ‘big shit-eating grin’ following an election which saw a higher turnout and vote capture for Nationalist parties than in the previous elections 10 months ago.

“Sinn Féin is committed to practical solutions for all the people of Northern Ireland, and we hope to reach an agreement with the DUP,” a tired Adams explained, having spent the weekend without any sleep, seemingly too excited by the thoughts of a United Ireland.