N. Ireland Voters Torn Between Hate-Filled Unionists & Hate-Filled Nationalists

VOTERS in Northern Ireland are said to be agonising over which candidates to give their first preference vote to in today’s elections, with many torn between a hate-filled Unionist and a hate-filled Nationalist.

Streams of voters leaving polling stations expressed their frustrations after being told during the last few weeks about the wealth of candidates wanting to lead a unified electorate forward in pursuit of a better Northern Ireland only to see the same familiar faces on the ballots.

“It’s a tough, tough choice when you distrust that lot and this lot equally and have the same shared sense of anger directed at both of them,” explained Colum O’Neill, a self-confessed voter and masochist.

“I looked through the ballot, and I wanted to choose a candidate who had long put sectarian point-scoring behind them, and wanted Northern Ireland to move forward, but the only choices were the same crowd of pricks,” explained local voter Alice Penny.

While being informed the Alliance Party campaign on such a platform Penny added “ah now, come on, don’t be silly”.

The majority of polls have suggested the bulk of Northern Irish voters will vote for either DUP or Sinn Féin candidates in an effort to forge a path toward a brand new constructive way of governing in Stormont.

Results and further petty arguments doing absolutely no one any good are expected to stream in later this evening.