WWN Parenting: Coping With A Child Who Has Fuck All Heed In Old Episodes Of He-Man
PARENTHOOD presents daily challenges; teething, nappy rash, ‘the terrible twos’, but none more heartbreaking than sitting your infant down to watch a kickass show you loved when you were a child only to see them wander off, disinterested.
This was the case for parents all across the country earlier this year, after the entire collection of old episodes of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe appeared on Netflix. Fathers of a certain age sat their toddlers down for some good old-fashioned sword-and-sorcery action only to watch in dismay as their horrible kids started crying for the TV to be changed to hour-long YouTube compilations of somebody opening Kinder Surprise eggs.
If this has happened to you, you may feel an immediate need to have a paternity test done to make sure the kid is yours in the first place. Before you take this action, try the following;
Explain just how awesome He-Man is
Maybe your kid just doesn’t get it yet. That’s okay, He-Man is a complex story that may require several episodes to fully understand. Explain that look, it’s a man that turns into a half-naked man with a cat that turns into a fully-clothed cat. They fight an incredibly muscular skeleton. What’s not to like, kid?
Buy your kid a load of He-Man toys
The He-Man cartoon is just one part of the appeal. For the real package, you need the toys. Buy up a load of stuff on eBay and play with them in front of your kid. He-man was one of the first cartoon series to be specifically designed to sell toys to kids; in the 80s, the ads were everywhere. This was can’t-miss stuff. The cartoon was just basically a massive toy ad. Of course, you never had many of the toys because your parents hated you. But you can buy them now! And your kid can play with them! Probably!
Tell your kid to go fuck himself
You go watch some prick play Minecraft, kid. We’ve got He-Man over here. We don’t need your approval. Fucking kids these days, they know nothing. Nothing!