21 March – 20 April
19 years to the day, and they still haven’t found you. But don’t think you’re in the clear. Don’t get complacent.
21 April – 21 May
All you want this week is a 99, but every newsagent you go in to refuses to get the machine from the back. Bastards.
May 21 – June 20
Ah yeah, tipping along rightly. Classic Gemini.
June 21 – July 22
You start to wonder if your life is this way because of all that Sudocrem you ate as a child.
July 23 – August 22
You put up a plea to help you find your missing cat on Twitter. You don’t even own a cat. But they don’t have to know that.
August 23 – September 22
You have a dance tune from the 90s stuck in your head all week and you can’t even Google it because it has no lyrics. BAM, BAM, BAM, Bam, bam-bam BAM… anyone?
September 23 – October 22
You’re up to issue 97 and this model of the Titanic still isn’t finished. Why do you start these things?
October 23 – November 21
While we have you, would you like to buy some knives? We’ve got a job lot of these knives we’re looking to get rid of. PM us.
November 22 – December 21
Skateboard, eh? In your thirties? Ok man.
December 22 – January 19
Say hi to your mom for me.
January 20 – February 18
You get a prize for having received communion for the 100,000th time.
February 19 – March 20
Keep an eye out for owls. They’re fucking everywhere. Bite your fingers off, they would. Take care.