WHAT does every Lotto winner in the history of the competition have in common? Each and every one of them received a lil’ white present from a passing bird mere moments before purchasing their winning tickets – proof, if proof were needed that bird shit is good luck, and not a terrible misfortune that makes you smell for the rest of the day.
If you would like to avail of the mystical properties of bird faeces before you pick your numbers, here’s a few handy tips:
1) Sprinkle some birdseed on your head
It seems so simple, doesn’t it? A few flakes of birdseed, a few crumbs of bread, anything that will gather a crowd of feathered friends to your immediate vicinity. A few moments later, you’re sure to be blessed with a nice white splodge of liquid luck.
2) Sign up for a hardcore bird scat video
Find your nearest bizarre pornography producer and put your name down to star in ‘Shit On Me You Filthy Pigeon 19’. You’ll be covered in so much luck, you won’t have to worry about your eroding dignity.
3) Find some bird shit and wipe it on yourself
Old shite counts, right? This is up for debate, but if you’re five minutes away from the Lotto draw and still shit-free, it’s worth a shot.
4) Use your own poop, but paint it white
Look, whoever’s in charge of doling out luck might not notice that the shit on your shoulder isn’t 100% sanctioned bird poop. A bit of your own poop, a bit of tippex… you’ll be grand.
5) Stand under a tree and tell a really scary story
One that involves a cat jumping out and making a loud noise, every bird in the tree will shit themselves right down on top of you. But take time to craft your tale, if you create a true sense of atmosphere and dread, the payoff will be so much more effective. Enjoy your millions!