WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Big week for you: you’re in the running to become the next leader of Fine Gael.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Nobody on the bus joins in when you break into a rendition of ‘Don’t Stop Believing’, the bastards.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your attempt to build an Iron Man suit out of bits of old washing machines is adorable.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You get five teeth knocked out in a fight, but that sweet tooth fairy cha-ching makes up for it.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You wake up and say ‘never drinking again’, well aware that you’re lying.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Only fifteen more tokens from Rice Crispies, and you’ll be able to send away for your very own chainsaw.

libra

September 23 – October 22

You do a fart so epic, you spend the rest of your life regretting the fact that nobody was there to hear it.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You remember the name of a song that you’d forgotten. That’s it. That’s the peak of your week right there.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You buy that new Nintendo console because you’re a big child.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You realise that you’ve left it a bit late to start a career as an MMA fighter. Why wasn’t there MMA 30 years ago? This is bullshit.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

YOU ARE FAKE NEWS.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You’re really too old to still be calling them “choo-choos”.

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