21 March – 20 April
Big week for you: you’re in the running to become the next leader of Fine Gael.
21 April – 21 May
Nobody on the bus joins in when you break into a rendition of ‘Don’t Stop Believing’, the bastards.
May 21 – June 20
Your attempt to build an Iron Man suit out of bits of old washing machines is adorable.
June 21 – July 22
You get five teeth knocked out in a fight, but that sweet tooth fairy cha-ching makes up for it.
July 23 – August 22
You wake up and say ‘never drinking again’, well aware that you’re lying.
August 23 – September 22
Only fifteen more tokens from Rice Crispies, and you’ll be able to send away for your very own chainsaw.
September 23 – October 22
You do a fart so epic, you spend the rest of your life regretting the fact that nobody was there to hear it.
October 23 – November 21
You remember the name of a song that you’d forgotten. That’s it. That’s the peak of your week right there.
November 22 – December 21
You buy that new Nintendo console because you’re a big child.
December 22 – January 19
You realise that you’ve left it a bit late to start a career as an MMA fighter. Why wasn’t there MMA 30 years ago? This is bullshit.
January 20 – February 18
YOU ARE FAKE NEWS.
February 19 – March 20
You’re really too old to still be calling them “choo-choos”.