AS Enda Kenny is forcibly thrown from a helicopter into shark infested water off the coast of Mexico by his political rivals, the question is being asked; just who will replace him as Taoiseach once the sharks have rip him limb from limb?

WWN assesses the competition:

Frances Fitzgerald

Nickname: The Incoherent and Rambling Hand of Justice

Motivations for becoming Toaiseach: Because she wants to be Taoiseach.

Interesting fact: Is a female woman who would be Ireland’s first female woman lady Taoiseach.

Special move: Misremembering her forgetfulness.

Weaknesses: Jesus, have you been following the news at all the last few weeks?

Simon Coveney

Nickname: The Bald-headed Bullet, so-called because once you’ve crossed him, he will pierce your heart like a bullet.

Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: Because he wants to be Taoiseach and also wants to divert all funds earmarked for scientific research into finding a cure for male pattern baldness.

Interesting fact: People from Cork will be even more unbearable and smug if he gets the gig.

Special move: Deflecting the question with some bullshit or other.

Weaknesses: His relative competency in various ministerial roles could be seen as a barrier by other Fine Gael TDs to becoming Taoiseach themselves one day.

Simon Harris

Nickname: No, The Other Simon and the Baby-Faced Assassination, a name he picked up while taking up paid work at aged 9 in Siberia as an assassin for hire.

Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: Because he wants to be Taoiseach.

Special move: The repeated and heartfelt apology for the endless fuck ups in the health service.

Interesting fact: Is just 7 stickers away from completing this year’s Premier League sticker album.

Weaknesses: Has yet to apply for his theory test. Regularly ID’d going into cabinet meetings and pubs.

Graham Norton

Nickname: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and would do his best.

Motivations For becoming Taoiseach: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and would do his best.

Special move: Getting Mark Wahlberg drunk.

Interesting fact: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and would do his best.

Weaknesses: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and do his best.

Leo Varadkar

Nickname: Taoiseach Leo, given to him by himself.

Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: Because he really, really, really wants to be Taoiseach.

Interesting fact: Would become Ireland’s first openly self-serving Taoiseach.

Special move: The photo opportunity. Has posed for over 400,000 photos this year alone.

Weaknesses: Confessed to skipping the 7 times tables in school. Half the country goes into a violent rage when seeing his face.

A-Ha

Nickname: A-Ha.

Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: The 80s pop heroes haven’t declared their interest, but Take On Me is a cracking tune.

Interesting fact: A-Ha still tour to this day, playing to adoring audiences all around the world.

Special move: Deceptively complex yet accessible pop music which has yet to receive the respect and critical acclaim it so richly deserves.

Weaknesses: None.