“How About I Rant For An Hour To Distract You All From How Much I’m Fucking This Up?”

OPENING his rip-roaring 77-minute speech that would provide endless headlines, US President Donald Trump asked the media “how about I rant for an hour to distract you all from how much I’m fucking this up?” before launching into a lengthy tirade against everything.

With cameras rolling as journalists eagerly jotted down every word he uttered, Trump was able to obscure and obstruct much of the criticism leveled at his administration, which is laden down with scandals and an embarrassing inability to function on the most basic levels.

Ranting and raving incoherently while insulting all media outlets who dare question any aspect of his presidency, the tiny-handed leader relied heavily on the knowledge that the modern 24-hour news cycle would fill up with reports of his manic shouting and bullying, leaving next to no room for analysis and coverage of all the things he is really fucking up.

“Why are you so mean to me,” Trump sobbed before throwing a chair in the direction of a CNN reporter who refused to kneel before him.

“I’m going to stay up here and spew shit from my mouth for as long as it takes, I need to give you fuckers enough material so that this crazy episode becomes the story over my campaign’s alleged links to Russia,” Trump added, now safe in the knowledge that his rant would be the only story today people would be reading about.

“Whatever you do, don’t lead with any news about Michael Flynn, I need the public’s attention to be switched to me and this temper tantrum”.

“If this rant isn’t enough, I am open to criticising African Americans, Hispanics, Jews and Muslims if that is what is needed, take your pick,” the President added while lobbing piles of fresh horse manure at reporters. He was then restrained by the Secret Service before he could punch a baby he stole from an orphanage.