STARING into the abyss of a car-less life brought about by a ban brought about by drinking and driving brought about by your own stupidity can bring about thoughts which lead you to think this could have all been avoided.
But how can one be certain unless they can call upon the advice of a trusted news outlet such as WWN? Our motoring and craft beer correspondent Brian Boyce is on hand to teach you the four ways to beat the dreaded breathalyzer test:
1) Jump out of a moving car and roll into a ditch
Have you just spotted a garda checkpoint full of gardaí not out catching real criminals? There’s only one thing for it, you need to open the driver’s door, ignore that God awful beeping noise which tells you this is a bad idea and jump right out of that vehicle and roll to safety in a nearby ditch.
Not near a ditch? Don’t worry the drunken mind can convince you you’re capable of anything, just imagine you’re in a ditch.
2) Driving with your children? Put one of them in the driver’s seat
Have you just spotted a garda checkpoint full of gardaí not out catching real criminals? And are you somewhere between half and fully cut while carting your prick kids around? Great, stick one of the annoying fuckers in the driver seat and pin the blame on them. That’ll teach them to beg you to stop drinking.
3) Explain you have a rare condition which means you foolishly drink and put other people’s lives at risk
Have you just clocked a record reading on the breathalyzer? This might sound like an outlandish option, but to be honest, you’ve got fuck all other options. My revoked driving licence can attest to that.
4) Don’t drink and drive