21 March – 20 April
With Neptune aligning itself with Mercury for the first time in a generation, you finally wake up and realise that Bush did 9/11.
21 April – 21 May
You have a fairly uneventful week, meaning our lizard overlords have something pretty big lined up for you soon.
May 21 – June 20
Still no luck for you on the love front, but that’s ok because this world is just an illusion beamed into our minds by an evil race of galactic terrorists.
June 21 – July 22
You keep thinking exactly what they want you to think, you SHEEP.
July 23 – August 22
You have a strong belief system that helps you navigate your way through life, without letting you think for even a single second that jet fuel can melt steel beams.
August 23 – September 22
Your fitness goals pale into insignificance once you open up to the fact that Sandyhook was a false flag operation.
September 23 – October 22
Your career takes an upward turn this week, after you manage to join the Illuminati and have the doors of success thrown open before you.
October 23 – November 21
You will receive news this week that will hit you hard, not as hard as the US’s secret super-weapon that caused the tsunami in 2004, but pretty hard nonetheless.
November 22 – December 21
Your relationship hits a rocky patch this week, but stay strong and you will emerge more in love than ever before. No Jews died on 9/11.
December 22 – January 19
You are met with hostility this week from people who don’t share your beliefs. They will be the first to be fed to Xzorg when the battleships arrive from Ftyghar 9!
January 20 – February 18
Your conspiracy theory website has been getting more traffic than usual lately. Might be the government. They’re wise to you! Shut it down!
February 19 – March 20
With your life finally getting to the place you always wanted it to be, WE ARE WATCHING YOU ALWAYS, you can finally relax and start exploring new ways to express yourself creatively.