FUCKING probably yeah, but why the fuck do I have to write 500 words on it and “include 5 pictures from her Instagram or Snapchat”. Yeah, al-fucking-right Siobhan, thanks for the email. This is exactly why I studied journalism, cheers for hiring me. Fucking dream job my hole.
“You’ll get to write about things that matter to you, matter to the majority of women”. Yeah, well done on fucking Donald Trumping me with alternative facts in the job interview Siobhan.
Look, I thought this is what I wanted, the guys working here are nice enough. We got a Naked make up hamper into the office last week, that was cool. Then Cadbury sent in loads of Creme Egg stuff, don’t get that kind of stuff in most jobs, do ya? We had Prosecco at lunch once.
“Make sure to pick out the proper booby pics, as much cleavage as possible”. No problem, got ya Siobhan, any chance I can write about the dearth of women entering STEM courses in college? Thought not.
Any chance I can write about a business woman without it being about the fact she is a woman in business? Oh, what’s that? You now need 8 pics of Jenners tits? Got to keep people on the page for longer is it? Loud and clear Siobhan.
Don’t get me wrong, I have this stupid, idiotic muscle memory that kicks in when I see a Jenner/Kardashian headline pop down my Facebook newsfeed, I click on the links. But, I’ve been at this thing for 12 minutes now and apparently the copy isn’t ‘judgement neutral’ enough. It’s harmless stuff, but writing about it every-fucking-day isn’t harmless. I’m fit to explode.
“The last thing we want is readers to think we have an opinion, we’ve got to disguise that with suggestive yet subtle language, but don’t make it obvious. We’re judging her for having the boob job, but we don’t want our readers to realise that, we’ve got to stay on the fence about these things and invite them to judge instead”. Well, fucking fair play for stating the obvious Siobhan. Last thing we’d want is our readers thinking is that we only publish this shit pretending there’s a ‘controversial this or that’, just to get them nice and annoyed.
“Frame it so that the speculation about the boob job comes from another publication, copy and paste if needed. Or if you can’t get that just use some randomers tweets on Twitter”. Loud and clear Siobhan. Plenty of random tweets out there. Should be easy.
‘Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m paid to write this shite about Kylie Jenner’. Will that do Siobhan? Christ, and you said you needed a degree and minimum 2 years in a similar role… for this? For fuck-ing-this? Bollocks to this, I quit.