WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You use the weather as your opportunity to smash your boy-racer neighbour’s windscreen in, then be all like ‘oooh, did the storm getcha?’.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You use the weather as your opportunity to make some unneccesary journeys.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You use the weather as your opportunity to stand in front of a girl, asking her to love you, like a big wet sap.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You use the weather as your opportunity to wash yourself for the first time in months.

leo

July 23 – August 22

You use the weather as your opportunity to bang on about water charges, not that you needed much of an excuse.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You use the weather as your opportunity to show how climate change is a myth. Global warming? It’s fuckin’ Baltic, pal.

libra

September 23 – October 22

You use the weather as your opportunity to have a pretty epic fight to the death with your nemesis, Brian.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You use the weather as your opportunity to continue your research into the effects of rain on trees. ‘Makes them wet’ is all you have so far.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You use the weather as your opportunity to go on the lash. Well, stay on the lash.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You use the weather as your opportunity to justify the fact that you haven’t mended the fence since the last time it blew down in a storm.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You use the weather as your opportunity to knuckle down and get some study done, with a nice big warm cup of hahaha yeah right, get the PlayStation on there.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You use the weather as your opportunity to drench cyclists as you drive through big puddles in your car. It’s… very satisfying.  

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