UCD Place Waterford Student As Last Resort On Their CAO Application

WITH the CAO deadline of 5.15pm this Wednesday evening fast approaching students around the country are studying the various courses on offer in a last minute bid to find the ideal third level course.

Similarly, Ireland’s third level institutions are filling out their own CAO preference on a student by student basis with one Waterford student unfortunately placed on the bottom of the pile by UCD, with the institution looking to Eoin Mellon as a last resort.

“It’s nothing personal but he’s not really what we’re looking for,” UCD said of Mellon, who has placed Commerce at the university as his first choice.

“We’re not really feeling his look, it’s not a UCD ‘look’ if you pick up what we’re putting down. Plus, he’s a lightweight and we’ve no interest in cleaning up 8 litres of vomit over the course of fresher’s week next year,” UCD added.

While there is no set criteria for colleges, ITs and universities when choosing their preferred students, Mellon feels he is UCD material if he was just given the opportunity to prove himself.

“Ah, come on, last, really? I’m studying at least 2,3 minutes every evening in between 4 hour Netflix binge watching breaks,” Mellon pleaded, “and I’m still getting As, I can put on an accent and drop ‘boi’ off the end of my sentences, just gimme a chance I can do it boi”.

However, UCD, remain confident in their initial CAO choices of exclusively quadruple barrel named students whose parents own small island nations in the Pacific. “No fancy postcode, can’t play rugby or GAA, none of his family went here. Just from looking at him, he has IT written all over him, we need to bleed these families dry for money down the line,” the university concluded.