21 March – 20 April
You circulate an online petition to garner support for your bid to lie in bed all day.
21 April – 21 May
You sign up for Amazon Prime so that you can watch the new Top Gear, and nobody’s judging you man. You do what you have to do.
May 21 – June 20
You refuse to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on the grounds that you’re not a baker and it would spoil their day.
June 21 – July 22
When you said you were going to be a ‘better person’ this year, it seems you meant better at being useless.
July 23 – August 22
That teeth-whitening kit you bought worked a treat; lovely clean teeth. The rest of you is still filthy, though.
August 23 – September 22
You’re going to need to come up with a reason why you’re naked in the middle of town, and you’re going to need to come up with it quick.
September 23 – October 22
You say fuck it, and buy one of those military grade flashlights before they get banned.
October 23 – November 21
There’s a tennis ball on your desk at work. It’s always been there. Fuck knows where it came from.
November 22 – December 21
The FitBit you got at Christmas sure is a nice, wrist-worn reminder that you haven’t so much as broken into a trot this year.
December 22 – January 19
It wasn’t really worth your parents while buying that set of encyclopedias for the house when you were 8.
January 20 – February 18
You set your Tinder radius out far enough to take in the entire country.
February 19 – March 20
You fucking had 2 euro to give that lad for a hostel, you lying git.