WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You circulate an online petition to garner support for your bid to lie in bed all day.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You sign up for Amazon Prime so that you can watch the new Top Gear, and nobody’s judging you man. You do what you have to do.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You refuse to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on the grounds that you’re not a baker and it would spoil their day.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

When you said you were going to be a ‘better person’ this year, it seems you meant better at being useless.

leo

July 23 – August 22

That teeth-whitening kit you bought worked a treat; lovely clean teeth. The rest of you is still filthy, though.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You’re going to need to come up with a reason why you’re naked in the middle of town, and you’re going to need to come up with it quick.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You say fuck it, and buy one of those military grade flashlights before they get banned.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There’s a tennis ball on your desk at work. It’s always been there. Fuck knows where it came from.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The FitBit you got at Christmas sure is a nice, wrist-worn reminder that you haven’t so much as broken into a trot this year.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It wasn’t really worth your parents while buying that set of encyclopedias for the house when you were 8.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You set your Tinder radius out far enough to take in the entire country.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You fucking had 2 euro to give that lad for a hostel, you lying git.  

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