WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You circulate an online petition to garner support for your bid to lie in bed all day.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You sign up for Amazon Prime so that you can watch the new Top Gear, and nobody’s judging you man. You do what you have to do.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You refuse to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on the grounds that you’re not a baker and it would spoil their day.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
When you said you were going to be a ‘better person’ this year, it seems you meant better at being useless.
leo
July 23 – August 22
That teeth-whitening kit you bought worked a treat; lovely clean teeth. The rest of you is still filthy, though.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You’re going to need to come up with a reason why you’re naked in the middle of town, and you’re going to need to come up with it quick.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You say fuck it, and buy one of those military grade flashlights before they get banned.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
There’s a tennis ball on your desk at work. It’s always been there. Fuck knows where it came from.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The FitBit you got at Christmas sure is a nice, wrist-worn reminder that you haven’t so much as broken into a trot this year.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It wasn’t really worth your parents while buying that set of encyclopedias for the house when you were 8.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You set your Tinder radius out far enough to take in the entire country.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You fucking had 2 euro to give that lad for a hostel, you lying git.