WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You struggle to get over the time you lost, being fooled by Jennifer Lopez’s rocks.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Today in alternative facts; you’re a good person.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

No horoscope for you this week, you don’t deserve it.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

OK ,so when a fox knocks over someone’s bin and sends rubbish all around the estate, that’s just a fox being a fox, but when you do it, you’re a prick? Unfair.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You can’t wait for Lego Schindler’s List, the trailers look hilarious.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Tonight is the night the monsters under your bed finally eat you.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You continue to be the best disappointment your parents ever had.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’re pretty sure that you stumbled on the cure for cancer while out drinking last night, but you’re fucked if you can remember it now.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

“Well, that went well” you say to yourself sarcastically, after literally everything you try to do.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You remain a ticking timebomb of mediocrity.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

As a tall, handsome stranger, people are delighted to meet you.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

SPOILER: This just isn’t your week, champ.

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