Theresa May Stops Saying ‘Brexit Means Brexit’ Following Factory Reset

BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May has finally been able to expand on her plans for Britain and the EU to more than just repeating the phrase ‘Brexit means Brexit’, following a ‘hard-reset’ of her factory settings by her fellow Tory MPs.

May took to the podium earlier today to outline a clear and concise 12-point plan to facilitate Britain’s road in the coming months, following uncertainty about the matter since she became prime minister last June.

In previous interviews and during questioning about what Brexit might mean for Britain, May had stuck with the line ‘Brexit means Brexit”, frustrating many journalists and political commentators with its vagueness.

However, the root of this issue was solved earlier today when May was ‘reset’, in a simple procedure that involved pressing down on her head for 15 seconds while simultaneously poking her in the belly button.

“When she switched back on, she could talk Brexit clearly for hours,” said one Tory aid, who had learned of the technique on Google.

“There were people who were dismayed at what she had to say, the markets reacted, protestors protested, other people rejoiced… but at least there it was; Brexit no longer just means Brexit. It means a whole pile of other, possibly horrific, possibly xenophobic, almost certainly poorly thought-out stuff, but at least it’s not just a sound bite than made no sense”.

Meanwhile the Irish government has yet to respond to May’s speech, with Taoiseach Enda Kenny waiting until one of tomorrow’s papers does a nice, easy-to-read ‘5 things we learned from Theresa May’s speech’ summary,