WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You’re still off the smokes, but you’re eating five pens a day.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Best of luck trying to tell people that you went to the cinema 8 times instead of just downloading screeners all weekend.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Somedays, you leave the front door keys in the door on purpose, just to see where the day takes you.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is officially the saddest day of the year, not for you though! Leftover roast beef for lunch!  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Your Mam threatens to tell your Dad what you did when he gets home. You’re 30, but you’re still terrified.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You wake up screaming; thank Christ, it was all a horrible dream! Donald Trump, as president?!

libra

September 23 – October 22

Your life gets an extended re-release on Blu-Ray, with 15 minutes added.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You look back on your years at school, getting beaten up by bullies every day and having teachers yell at you for being stupid. Those really were the best years of your life.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You finally cave, and install those iOS updates.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have a great chat with a call-centre employee, to the extent that you ask them to ring back at the same time tomorrow.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re about to pay off your mortgage with the money you’re going to make gouging people for U2 tickets.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

The whole notion of sharing at a Tapas bar is lost on you. You want all the calamari, you eat all the calamari.  

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