THE nation of Ireland is bracing itself to completely go ‘catshit-bananas’ ahead of a forecasted fall of snow at some stage today, with widespread traffic Armageddon expected across the country as well as looting and rioting as people lose their minds.
Up to an inch of snow is set to fall in some parts of the country, enough to send people into a panicked frenzy while schools are shut down and commuting to work becomes a treacherous, unassailable journey wrought with death around every corner.
Transmitting on the emergency signal following the shutdown of all radio and television broadcasts, a communiqué from the government advised people to wrap up as much as they could, seal off all entrances and exits to their houses, kill their pets for food, and burn their furniture for warmth in a bid to survive the cold snap, expected to last until the weekend.
“People of Ireland; we’re fucked,” said Enda Kenny, speaking over the airwaves.
“There is no way we as a nation can survive a snowfall such as the one that’s coming. Have you seen the expected wind chill factor? Your big coat will only do so much. Some agencies are advising people to leave a little earlier than usual to make their commutes on time, drive slower, walk a little bit more cautiously on footpaths… but I think we all know, the only thing to do is curl up in a ball and pray for a quick death”.
As we write this, the first flakes of snow are beginning to hit WWN towers. We will stay on the air as long as we can. To our readers, we say good luck. May God have mercy on us all.