WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You enter a competition on the Liberal.ie to win an iPhone. Fingers crossed!  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Dry January is in full effect, at least until you get to the off-licence.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’ve managed to quit the fags, but now you have to work on quitting being a narky bastard.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Bobby Ewing was in your shower this morning, just not a bother on him. You’re not entirely sure what is going on.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You begin work on your Eurovision entry. This is your year!  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You buy a box of Frosties because fuck it, they’re greaaaaaaaaat and you just don’t care anymore.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Your fortunes take a turn for the better this week, when you OK QUICK THEY AREN’T LOOKING SAVE US THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM THEY HAVE GUNS CALL THE COPS

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can keep that tattoo of your ex-girlfriend’s name, as long as you limit your Tinder searches to women named Samantha.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You gotta get that 475 euro out of the Credit Union pal, it’s doing nothing for you there.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You wear a high-vis vest all the time, just to be on the safe side.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

CREME EGGS ARE IN THE SHOP!!! This year mightn’t be so bad after all.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

This is a long shot, but d’you fancy a pint?

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