We Agree With The Alt-Right, Now Please Click This Link

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YOU can say what you want about the Alt-Right movement, but what nobody can deny is that they’re seriously good at generating column inches and driving online traffic. And as a news outlet, who are we to disagree? It’s not our place to challenge or vilify these people; all we want to do is give them free reign over our platform so we can watch those sweet clicks roll in.

Often confused for Nazis or fascists, the Alt-Right movement is instead a far-right group centred on white nationalism, anti-feminism, anti-immigration, and homophobia… this may make them sound like terrible people, but just by putting ‘Alt-Right’ in that headline up there has created enough online revenue to buy us a year’s worth of Nespresso pods for our canteen.

In fact the drawing power of a column written by an Alt-Right spokesperson is so great, we’re considering bringing on ten of them full-time and letting them say whatever they want, allowing us to finally live the dream of every news outlet; being able to kick back in a pool of cash safe in the knowledge that our website will be hopping with traffic all day, without lifting a finger to create engaging content.

Of course, there are many who believe that the Alt-Right movement could be stopped in their tracks very quickly if only media outlets would refuse to engage with them, or give them a platform from which to spout their hate-filled views… but lads, where’s the sense in that? Right now, they’re the hottest ticket in town. The fact is, an Alt-Right spokesperson writing an article teaching you a new word for Jew generates more online buzz than if Kim Kardashian got shot in the face by Justin Bieber on the lawn of the White House.

Like every golden egg-laying goose, the Alt-Right have a short shelf life, and over the next four years with Trump as president, we’re sure they’ll just get quieter and quieter and eventually just die out. But between now and then, let’s just all make a few quid off them? Please? We’re selling it under the need to ‘create debate’, so you can’t argue with us without denouncing free speech. And come on, just do us this one favour. Print is dying folks, we fucking need the clicks.

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