WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
The ‘New Year, new you’ sure does look a lot like the old year, old you.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Your resolution to learn Italian hits a snag almost straight away, as it’s boring as fuck.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You make it your New Year’s resolution not to get drawn into online name-calling, which is exactly what a little bitch like you would do. Prick.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You vow to become the ‘next Katie Hopkins’, because that’s exactly what the world needs right now.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You unfollow Trump on Twitter, and hope that’s the end of that.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s 2017, and you’re not getting any younger. If you really want to be a trained killer, you’d better start now.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You spend the whole of January telling people how you dropped some old clothes in to Apollo House.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your resolution to walk more in the New Year seems to have limited itself to going to and from the fridge.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Before your diet can start, you still have three half-tins of Roses to get through. They’ll just be tempting you otherwise.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas, but did you sulk about it? A bit, yeah.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You start a Facebook page where it’s just videos of you talking to yourself, filmed on your phone. You are a millionaire by February.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You don’t have time to boil a kettle for Lemsip, so you’re just shucking the dry powder into your mouth like it’s an oyster.