WWN’s Horoscopes



21 March – 20 April

The ‘New Year, new you’ sure does look a lot like the old year, old you.  


21 April – 21 May

Your resolution to learn Italian hits a snag almost straight away, as it’s boring as fuck.  


May 21 – June 20

You make it your New Year’s resolution not to get drawn into online name-calling, which is exactly what a little bitch like you would do. Prick.


June 21 – July 22

You vow to become the ‘next Katie Hopkins’, because that’s exactly what the world needs right now.  


July 23 – August 22

You unfollow Trump on Twitter, and hope that’s the end of that.  


August 23 – September 22

It’s 2017, and you’re not getting any younger. If you really want to be a trained killer, you’d better start now.  


September 23 – October 22

You spend the whole of January telling people how you dropped some old clothes in to Apollo House.  


October 23 – November 21

Your resolution to walk more in the New Year seems to have limited itself to going to and from the fridge.  


November 22 – December 21

Before your diet can start, you still have three half-tins of Roses to get through. They’ll just be tempting you otherwise.  


December 22 – January 19

You didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas, but did you sulk about it? A bit, yeah.  


January 20 – February 18

You start a Facebook page where it’s just videos of you talking to yourself, filmed on your phone. You are a millionaire by February.  


February 19 – March 20

You don’t have time to boil a kettle for Lemsip, so you’re just shucking the dry powder into your mouth like it’s an oyster.  

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